prepared for the worst, but hope for the best

summer, man

2009-06-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

"the summer is over
and i doubt,
i doubt i'll be seeing you around."

Nasusea

2009-06-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

Another failed attempt. bad timing? anxiety? I forgot how it felt to care for someone and how it felt to realize it's isn't going to work. Maybe karma is biting me back. I know I haven't been the best in the past, but I dont know how i can make up for it.

last minute weekend get away to Asheville to hang out with Harrison and Co and get tattooed. Always a good time. Keeping my head clear with PBR and friends.

writers block

2009-06-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

i can never really think of what to write anymore, about anything. so here are some pictures from the past 7 months.

the hour is getting late

2009-04-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

Along with everything said in my head
The songs are dead
A month away from a dial tone
Raise your head and repeat "I'm so far from home."
These countdowns etched inside your bones
Wishing days away from being alone
One more night, awake and misplaced
A month to go, headaches erased

Letters written and never replied to
Good intentions failed, fucked and seen through; its true

The days will pass while they love and pray
Faith lacks, cold sweats, wide awake in the bed you've made
The days are growing warmer, while your heart stays colder
You're sorry for the hurt, the growing up, trying to be older
But you're young, you always forget
One foot out the door, living out of step

The songs will chage, only a matter of days
Everyone dreams of their morning, uneasy as he prays

Sixty beds are made out of the sins that they gave
Tomorrow's a beginning, a chance to be saved
Ill break my knees in my dreams
Head lowered, I'll plead
"Send me home, somewhere not alone
Take me as I am
Listen to the words I heed
Trust that ill never fall asleep."

a hard rain's a-gonna fall

2009-04-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

August 24 is currently the date, I will make my way via c17 across the atlantic to the middle east and call Tahlil, Iraq my home for an entire year. I don't feel nervous but maybe because its still a few months out. I'm excited though, to get over there and do my job and cross off another reason off... make myself proud, check... make my family proud, check... make myself a better person, check... meet good people, check... go to all sorts of crazy places and do all sorts of crazy shit not many people get to do, in progress...

I spent the last two weeks in the field. Not sleeping much, eating out of a brown plastic bag, laying in the mud and dirt in rain and heat, sleeping in a tent, and just busting my ass. Now we have two weeks to get ready to go to ft polk, la for a month of being in the field. Preparing to deploy is a bitch. It can be fun, but there's a lot of shit that has to be done. In july I get two weeks to go back home. Hopefully it will be spent in the middle of maine with my family that I hardly get to see in one of the most beautiful and relaxing places I have experienced. Island falls, me. I haven't been in maybe 5 years, my mom grew up there and I lived there until I was 5. I can't wait to see my family, swim in the lake. Fish with my uncles, climb mt katahdin for the third time, go four wheeling, drink beer and basically be a mainer. Hopefully ill have time to see my friends before I go, ihopefully a going away party will be arranged. Its weird to think about that... "going away" a year ago next month I left for basic training and this past year has flown by. But now I'm reqlly leaving, I'm going to be half a world away. A place where most people can only read about without ever experiencing the actual condition of.

I don't have too much else to say. Can't wait for my new nephew to be born in June. Can't wait for next weekend in asheville, adam and harrison, two of my best friends, hopefully it will be wild!

a thousand miles just to slip this skin

2009-02-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

I am currently in the middle of my first 24 hour cq shift. I am tired and I am quite bored. I am now a resident of Fort Bragg, North Carolina. I got here just three days ago. Currently am waiting to start inprocessing, which will start next week then by next weekend I will be moved to my unit. And from there I will find out what my future is going to look like, but its inevitable that I will deploy oversea's by the end of 2009. I don't know if id rather just go as soon as possible or wait a little bit. I'm in the 82nd airborne divison, the 2nd most deployed division in the united staes army. I will be here for atleast the next 3 years, well not necessarily "here" but as a part of this division.
Its hard to come to a new post, this being the 4th post for me in a year. I'm not the most social person and finding the right people to hang out with doesn't always come easy for me. I don't knoe but I feel like being a big white private isn't the best combination. Maybe I just seem lost, haha. Maybe I'm just tired. But its true most people think I'm just a dumb jock, which I guess part of me might be, but there's a little more to me.
Anyways, being home was great. A lot better than I expected. I feel like I know who my real friends are, there may not be many of them but its quality, not quantity that concerns me. My best friend from high school actually left for basic training today, and I feel good knowing that I have helped guide him down this path. For me the army has been the best decision I've ever made.frustrating it can be, I just think of what I would be doing if I weren't here. I don't need to get into specifics with that because its behind me now.
This whole 24 hour thing isn't that bad, just I can only read every article in maxim at most, two times and all the drunks stopped coming in an hour ago. I could sit and listen to this 44 year old specialist go on about how my generation is so shitty, but I already know this. My head hurts, and there is no one to talk to.

a thousand miles just to slip this skin

2009-02-24T20:08:00.000-08:00

2009-02-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

I got into a conversation with the lady who was cutting my hair yesterday, an army wife, mainly because her husband is from Maine. Eventually she asked if I was married? Had kids? Girlfriend? I was then reminded by her how hard it is to find some dedicated enough to the military lifestyle. She is away from her husband of four years for the second time. They say the hardest job in the military are the families. I don't doubt that for a second.
maybe I just fantasize too much or I care too much about these stupid things. Im the happiest I've been, but in a different way than the happiness I've been looking for. Im too busy to be miserable, and I feel like im doing something good with my life. Good enough to know my family is proud of me, good enough to know I have made a better person of myself. Not a lot of people take this job seriously, most want to do their time and get out. That's fine. For me, I never thought it'd be like this, but this is for me. What else is there? what else could possibly cut it like this? Its still early, so my mind may change eventually.
There's no exact point to this. Guess im just trying to justify that im not miserable anymore, but that I wish there was something more. Just need to test my patience a while longer. Eventually everything will fall into place.

On a side note: Jump week starts tomorrow, what I've been dreaming about for the past 7 months becomes reality tomorrow and im scared shittless haha.

22 years.

2009-01-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

I feel so detached.

Somedays I wish I could just live a normal life again... but I keep pushing on, it's all I've got to do.

Blue sky when you gonna learn to rain?

2009-01-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people, with good hearts, who all deserve to be happy...

The world is a cruel place.

turn the page..

2009-01-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

I am anticipating the coming months, I have a calm fear of jumping out of planes, settling in at a new "home", going over seas, etc. I don't know when these things will happen, but am certain that they will happen and more soon than later.. Like everyone here, I want to make every one I know back home proud, I want to be a hero. But most of all I just want to do good and get by and survive.
As much as I want these things, I wouldn't mind being able to stick around and establish "things." And by stick around, I mean, stay stateside. Buttt, that's a longshot so im not holding my breath but hope that's hopes prevail. I don't know why, but lately I have been unusually optimistic and tend to smile a little more. Life could be worse. It has been worse.

Right now im just keeping my fingers crossed that tuesday brings good news of me leaving fort gordon... then I can focus on the next goal, the next hope.

resolutions

2009-01-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

-get in really good shape and stay that way. Keep a routine.
-be better with money.
-pay my parents back. Do something to show them how great I appreciate everything they have done for me.
-weed out all the fairweather people in my life.
-go through special forces training.
-stay happy.
-stay alive.

Ps - forgot to mention how good the album "stations" by russian circles is.

Once I get my laptop fixed, pictures will be posted regualarly.

Just left asheville, had a good time per usual. Drove 14.5 hours to get there on thirsday. Now im on my way back to fort gordon. Woohoo. Hi Megan, haha.

2008

2008-12-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

Its hard to reflect in the state that I am in, but the state im in happens to be reflective and I have the time so fuck it. Im home in Maine, my parents are asleep and so should I. I've been home for two weeks nearly and I keep forgetting that I left or that I have to leave, and sometimes when I forget I left, it makes me want to leave then the my stomach gets in knots when I remember ill be back in Georgia by the end of the week... This trip home has been fun and relaxing a lot of the time but also has reminded me of why I made the choices I made though I miss my friends and family a lot, this has nothing to do with them.
There really isn't much to say about 2008... This year flew by, and I really can't think of more than a handfull of events that make up the year besides throwing grenades, shooting rifles, sweating, crying, puking and being homesick in basic training. My summer felt like an entire year in itself.
I didn't date a girl this year for the first time since I was like 8 years old? Kinda weird. Didn't really have much time, nor did I focus too much on it, more of the fact of who wants to date a man who is never going to be in one place for any extended ammount of time for awhile?

What did happen this year...?

+turned 21, in boston with Bryan, pj, luke.
+ good times in boston with adam s. "Ride is like a handlebar, yeah yeah!" his 21st bday, and nights at paper. Kid has become like a brother to me.
+ moving to newmarket with keith. Shortlived two months, but it was fun and a nice place. Also love that kid.
+shows with voyager. Stressful times, but fun nonetheless. Plenty of beer and carbombs always.
+thanksgiving in asheville, nc @ harrisons. Was only there 3 or 4 days and I fell in love. Per usual, good times with harry.
+ suprising my dad by showing up at the house veterans day weekend. Had a great party here and saw all my favorites I hadn't seen in 7 months.
+ bamboozle with josh, bobby, and mike finn. Convincing teen age girls to let us stay on their motel room floor. Hanging out with timmy & OLN. Good dudes, good times.
+ my sister is prego again, so I will once again be an uncle. Crossing my fingers fr a boy ;)
+ falcons vs panthers in atlanta.
+ wild nights @ hooters, alley cats, and the bowling alley with the guys back at fort gordon.
+ graduating basic training and my parents visiting me.
+ celtics winning the nba champion ship. Me winning $30 as a result.
+ the curious case of benjamin button.
+ wild nights at Libbys with Keithy, adam w, joe saba, brando, luke and dece.
+ pint nights & riverworks with mr lapointe.
+recording the voyager EP.
+joining the army.
+ baseball game with Tank, Gretchen and Keithy.

-not seeing tom darrin =(
- not getting bailed out of jail by dj. Or having any video game nights with him =/
- losing touch with good friends.
- homesickness
- no girlfriends

I know I missed a lot probably. But that's all I can think of now...

Now my top albums of 2008...

Cult of luna - Eternal Kingdom
City & Colour - bring me your live
Alkaline trio - agony & irony
Ti - papertrail
The gaslight anthem - 59 sound
Our last night - the ghosts among us
Shai hulud - misanthropy pure
Sigur ros - whatever the new one is called???
Hit the lights - skip school, start fights
Metallica - death magnetic
Trap them - seizures in barren praise
The Carrier - no love can save me

There might be more, but that's all I can think of for now as well.

..................

2008-12-27T00:48:00.000-08:00

I thought of a hundred different things to write in here... nothing I say will make any difference. You cross my mind more than any other person.

2008-12-16T15:33:00.001-08:00

It seems common for me to feel anxious and nervous about everything. Like every thing I do is a new experience and I am continually having to settle into new surrounding. I find it odd that I am having the same feelings about coming home for a extended period. I don't know what to expect and im hoping that I am not dissapointed, though I doubt I will be.
Its not easy trying to balance two weeks between friends and family, when mostly I just want to spend time with my family, but need my friends in order to maintain a sense of who I am and to just have a good time with.
Today has gone by so slow, and I doubt I will sleep much tonight, and the hours waiting at the airport tomorrow will surely creep by and hopefully the weather in New England cooperates so I can make it on time. Being away from the army will be a relief in itself, though it won't be behind me until I get home and take the uniform off.
Oh well, I can't wait to get home. About 21 more hours until im scheduled to arrive in Boston...

2008-12-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

how we grow older, and how we forget about each other.

2008-12-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

With all that's been going on here lately... graduation, testing out and finishing course, getting my orders, getting in shape for airborne, making travel arrangements, etc. its made it easy, unfortunately, for me to forget that its the end of the year. Not to mention the weather here is like early fall weather in new england. But its close to christmas, and the end of the year. And im here like "what the hell happened this year?"

Before I left I don't even remember much besides living with Keith in Newmarket for two months, which was awesome. But just a bad point in life where I felt I needed dirastic change. I sometimes get bummed out wishing I had more times shared with my friends back home, its hard to not feel disconnected and distant and like you've been phased out sometimes. Im surrounded by friends here all day every day, so its hard to get lonely and its hard to miss the friends you left behind. But I do, at night usually.

No one really ever expected me to do what I did, and neither did I. Frankly, I think everyone was shocked. Its hard for me to look back on the year and pick things out thatreally stoof out besides the big things like basic training, seeing my parents, coming to Georgia and going home. Its like everything in between was planned out and I won't lie, most of it has been dull and forgettable, besides the few friends I hold close here and the many nights we've shared, completely smashed, reminiscing of our homelives and competing over who's home state is betters, who's friends are cooler, who's family loves them more, and on and on. Its a brotherhood, and im lucky to have met these people so early in my army career. Still I tell them "my friends back home, they'll always be the best to me."

city lights & colder nights

2008-12-07T12:42:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I like how things have been going lately, since I joined the military. Some days obviously are better than others, but I've slowly learned to look past the bullshit and drive on. What gets me most is the nostalgia, I led a pretty decent life before making the decison to "grow up." And a lot of the time I think I took it for granted, and it was like an epiphany after the first day of being at basic training. "What the fuck did I do, why am I here?" was all I could ask myself, I had never been so miserable in all of my life.
It seems pretty normal to miss home and your youth and innocense. Whether its friends you rarely see, city streets you used to aimlessly walk, shitty snow storms, driving hours here and there on roads you've driven a hundred times before, home cooking. Its like, "shit, what is there that is not to miss?"
I came home for the first time in six months about a month ago and it seemed harder to leave, I had forgotten the life I was living for the past six months. Now im getting ready to be back home in just over a week. Not to mention spending thanksgiving weekend with my best friend in the town he moved away too. After only 3 days (give or take) I feel like I found a home away from home there. Maybe it was just Harrison, maybe it just felt like home, maybe it was just what I was looking for?
Unfortunately I have to come back to Augusta after christmas for a few weeks, then off to western Georgia for three weeks of airborne school. Then back home for two weeks of hometown recruiting, then driving to North Carolina to my permanent duty station, Forth Bragg, NC. Im pretty exciting about all of this, its where I wanted to go and I got it. Then to the next chapter, deployment. Most like the latest ill deploy is in July, to Afghanistan. Nervous, anxious, scaredm excited... I could name a hundred emotions directly relating to deployment. Ill save all of that for another time though...

2008-11-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

"This year is going to be awesome." Were the words I drunkenly slurred, most likely between the hours of 1 to 3am on what was then, new years day. It has been eleven months since then, and im here wondering "where the fuck did the time go?"
this year has been a big stepping stone in my life for many reasons. The most important being my decison to join the army. What a rollercoaster ride, that decison, has brought me along. I've never been so miserable, proud, accomplished, homesick, contemplative, stressed, scared, hopeful, frustrated, lonely, but most important... Happy. No matter how much I miss home and my family and friends, no matter how much I want to run away some nights, I've gone through a lot and realized I am capable of so much more than I ever thought I was capable of.
Six months ago was the last time I saw Maine, I saw the seacoast drift away from the window of a delta jet. The Piscataqua bridge that I've driven over countless times, was able to fit between my two fingers as I held them up to my eye, not quite grasping how long it would be until I saw that bridge up close again.
I went the first two months being nearly completely isolated. With the exception of the letters I would receive nearly every day from my parents and other friends and family members, and the 3 or 4 phone calls I got to make during my stay at the most humid place on earth. Ft. Jackson, South Carolina. I graduated on July 11th, the day before this was family day, one day I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Our sergeants marched us in formation to a wooded area behind the ceremony field around 9am, where we stood around in the woods for an hour, waiting, waiting, waiting. I swear that hour lasted forever. Then when the time came, cans of smoke were thrown out on the field completely engulfing it in smoke while we all charged (braveheart style) out into formation on the field, family members cheering all the while. I stood there at the position of attention choking down my pride, as we were released to go find our families. Some found their family immediately, me I wandered around aimlessly for a good ten minutes before I turned around and locked eyes with my mother. It was almost like a movie to me, as we walked rapidly towards each other and I gave her a hug. I don't ever recal being so happy.

2008-02-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

i always told you, "you can get any guy you want." and it's true. every guy see's a beautiful face, and a beautiful body; undressed in his mind. these men, who make me sick. you can have everyone of them. and i wont choke your words. i wont choke any words.

you're free to be who you really are, and that person is not for me.

friendship is the child you dont want, but cant kill.

2008-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

i am lost beyond myself. i am panicked and breathless. in a daze, my world resides to blurs in time. mostly times when my heart beat faster than it seems to now. each breath a purpose and a mission, to be better than the last. and now i breathe without the enthusiasm to out do myself, i lament the sloth. i become the sloth. slowly expiring and fading, and i stutter with my words and lose my mind mid sentence. and i feel too much about not feeling enough.

the world is restless and forgetting limits and purposes and meanings and emotions. they are becoming careless and reckless with tender meanings. the dreams are getting wetter and wetter and the translation is lost.. in a common language, translation is being lost, or rather it's being abandoned. may the ghosts of the betrayers live in floods of their creation.

2008-02-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

i can never seem to get enough of these times. quietly sitting stoned in reflection of everything that roams the wastelands of my mind. and i cant even put sentences together to describe an emotion, and then that chorus and comes at me. and i feel the summer in my room, i forget this wintry shit storm. i can feel that anxiety of the emotion and time, love and separation, and summer and a co-dependency. in tribute to a new favorite book..

"Life support" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

and if you could get inside my head for a second because i cant even admit the truth to myself. but i think i know.

2008-02-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

i put myself before everyone else, and i feel terrible about it every night.

2008-01-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

have you ever wanted to dissapear completely?

i do. i haven't been this miserable in a long, long time.

2008-01-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

getting away from whatever i can as much as possible seems to be working for the most part. i spent the weekend away with keith and luke, we went to the south shore and stayed at lukes guest house, tried staying as unaltered as possible, and had a good time relaxing. away from frustration and day in and day out bullshit. i did go to a show friday, which was fine. Tim Molloy has been a real friend to me from the beginning, no bullshit, i trust the kid 110% and i have that trust with very few people. and i dont really consider the fact that we sometimes flake on each other, it happens with anyone so i dont think any less of anyone for their "flakiness." i got to spend some quality time with people i dont get to see enough of and when ever i do its guarenteed a good time, even if we dont do shit. no ammount of high way can keep me from the best friends i have. and i thought some other people could be worth my time and effort, but they let me down and prove me wrong, and thats my bad. like the saying goes... fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice, shame on you.

i cant stand going to these shows with the same people i see and read about and hear about in every day life and drama. i know status is the in thing, fucking suck a dick, start a fight, mosh harder, etc. do whatever it takes for you to get to where you want to be. i wont bother you, whoever you are. to each their own. yada yada yada... i know im guilty, i know plenty of people, if not everyone has been guilty at one point or another. you can only go so far before you forget your self and what is real and what is not and what is for the best and what is not and what is going to help you and what is not and what is going to make you a TRULY better person and what is not... sometimes we all forget, sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and before we know it, we're all alone. I know im not the best example of anything, ive fucked up a lot, ive hurt a lot of people, let people down, thought without my head or my heart. I suppose we all have to learn somehow.

i wish i could explain this easier, or maybe understand it better myself... but some times we get caught in the moment and we can really give up the most important things in life without realizing... but sometimes i guess sacrificing one thing in order to attain another can work out for the better, even if you gave up on something good initialy. i guess we all just end up doing things for ourselves, or the people we consider part of oneself. if that makes any sense to anyone....

2008-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

2 AM rolls around once again. stoned on an early saturday morning. by myself. these are the times that you think of everything you have given up, and who has given up on you..

its all give and take, push and pull. you're going to struggle your entire life no matter who you are. so what's the point of sticking around when were all going to be gone one day.

I'm tired of the cold. Cold weather, colder hearts. This year has great potential, but i feel like such a different person than a year ago, when all i felt was despair and pain. When I thought love was the only option. The past year changed a lot in everyone, everyones adapting, everyones still alive, and i guess i can press myself to be thankful for that.

a year ago i also used to drink myself to sleep after working 2nd shift for a little over a month. depressed and miserable and felt an escape in drinking. little did it help it only brought me down lower. i've moved onto better vices, less of a downer as well. except for times, we know, like this one.

i cant stop rubbing my eyes and thinking of what ive given up.. sometimes i feel it could go either way, people have lost faith in me before. people have left me in the dust, with my tail between my legs. this just goes to show that not everyone is who you think they may be, anyone can let you down, anyone can hurt you.

2008-01-09T18:51:00.001-08:00

im an asshole blahblahblah, you take my words for granted wahwahwah..

define drama queen...

2008-01-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

i dont know how it really ever comes to this. i can only hear "i hate you" so many more times before i actually start to believe you. your definition of "caring" and "feelings" are wrong.
and now, this. this is not what i expected today, this was not meant to happen. for all i give, this is what i get? there are certain rules and boundaries, i tend to follow these limits. friendship? loyalty? how is this right? how could you possibly manage to believe an ounce of my friendship salvable ? im not here to stop you, because now i dont believe my friendship is as important as it was yesterday.
i held back tears today, the first time ive had to even try in nearly a year. why i even had to try, i ask myself? was i sad from heartache? was i sad from the contemplation of betrayal? why was i sad? i shouldn't have to waste tears on people who dont see a problem in this before it was even brought to my attention.

2008-01-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

"I never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right."